Learning How to Smile
by Jade-Max
Summary: Tenel Ka reflects on her life and what's become of it. AU
1. Chapter 1

April 2005

Disclaimer: It all belongs to George and his disgustingly rich Lucasfilm empire. I make no money off this, please don't sue me.

Inspired by the chorus of the song "Learning How To Smile" by Everclear.

Title: Learning How To Smile

Author: JadeMax

Notes: Tenel Ka's diary/running thoughts through important moments in her life.

Learning How To Smile

By JadeMax

_We never ask why,_

_Why there is no perfect place, yes I know this is true_

_I'm just learning how to smile, that's not easy to do_

_I know there will come a day, when we can even just run away_

_-Everclear_

Chapter 1

I do not smile.

Mother told me not to. She said father's mother would find ways of reading my face. I have to train hard with my mother's mother, to learn the secrets of keeping my feelings and thoughts to myself.

The other children smile.

They run. They laugh. They cry.

I cannot.

My father's mother would shape me into something for evil, into someone with thoughts of power and gain. Into an instrument for her to use.

I am not that person. I am my mother's daughter. I am a daughter of Dathomir and a daughter of Hapes. I will be of both and of none. I will take what I need to survive. I will take what I need to live and I will make it my own.

I will study all my mother's mother has to teach. I will learn, I will grow. I will become the best warrior in the village.

My studies for discipline are difficult. They focus on my fears and my joys. They teach pain and pleasure through physical trials, but allow no emotion. Emotion can be turned, twisted, used to assist those who would control me. I can not allow this. I cannot allow myself to be molded into something I have no desire to be. I am taught about emotion, but know little. Emotions have no place in the Fountain Palace with my father's mother.

Emotions are a weakness to be exploited.

Yet, Mother tells me emotions have their place. Fear and anger, pain and suffering, they will affect me, mould me into an adult. I do not understand, but she has said love, when I am older, will be necessary.

Understanding is not necessary, only compliance. I must learn the skills to protect myself from those who would try and control me.

I am a child, but I cannot smile. I am a princess of two worlds, but I cannot be.

Mother has said I am her little warrior, her only child, and she is proud of me.

I will study hard. I will learn well.

I will not smile.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I will not smile.

The Jedi academy is large. Full of students like myself. Force Sensitive and eager.

Luke Skywalker. I have heard mother and father speak of him. I know his exploits. I know he was chosen before my father. The man who _could_ have been my father. The man who mother _intended_ to be my father. I do not know how to feel about that.

I do not smile to shake his hand. I cannot. I answer as I have been taught. With polite coolness. Even Jedi may be suspect.

He is small. Smaller than my father, but has power. It is not visible, it is not in my reach, but he is to be respected.

I would not be here if my mother did not respect him. I would not be here if she did not trust him.

I have met his niece and nephew. I find them to be strange. Children of powerful parents, yet they smile. How curious. They feel no qualms about sharing their joys and fears. They are not shy or controlled. How curious.

The boy, Jacen Solo, is younger than I by a year, yet he has told me he _intends_ to make me smile. A futile aspiration. His twin sister, Jaina, does not appear to like me. I have done nothing, but she does not wish my company.

I am not an easy person to know. I must be wary of intent, wary of people who would harm me for gain. I am not to trust; why _should_ either of them trust me? I have not earned it, but deed or action. I have not done anything to gain that trust. Yet.

Their parents are Han Solo and Leia Organa-Solo, heroes of the New Republic. Are they a threat? Could they be a threat?

Everyone is a threat. My mother's mother has taught me to trust no one. Not high level senators or representatives. Not children of hard done by or well off families. I can trust no one beyond my family. But my father's mother is family and I do not trust her. I dare not. To do so would be suicide; I have no desire to die.

I trust my parents but I cannot go to them. I have no aids, no servants, no trusted confident.

I am alone.

Alone to face the fears I cannot voice or show. Alone to face the joys I cannot celebrate. I am alone to face my nightmares and my triumphs.

But here, at the temple, there is a feeling of unreality. A feeling of peace I have not felt since leaving Dathomir and my mother's mother. There is a sense of purpose, of doing something important.

Building the future Jedi.

Do I belong here, among these students, learning to rely on skills beyond my physical capabilities?

I am determined to find my place her. I will belong, I will become a part of this future. I will be more focused then any other student and they will not know of my background. They will not know I am royalty; I do not want their pity and their awe. I want their confidence in my abilities, in my proven strengths. I will earn this.

I am confident I will be the most diligent student Master Skywalker has ever had. I will earn my place among the New Jedi Order through hard work and merit. I will not open myself to their weaknesses.

Yet, weakness brings to mind Jacen Solo. He is strange, different from any boy I have met. He is open, honest, in his feelings and thoughts. He shares without reservation, heedless of the consequences to himself and others. Is this a weakness? Perhaps his strength? His gift to make people smile? No matter.

Whatever it is, he will never understand that I cannot smile.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I cannot smile.

The Jedi knew nothing of my heritage and my friends, the Solos, have learned to accept me as I am. They have learned that I am resourceful, strong and competent. They have learned I do not rely on the Force for something I can do without it.

But they do not know my fears; they do not know I fear to fail as a Princess. I fear to fail as a ruler; I fear I will never find love as my parents have. I fear to fail as a Jedi and fall beyond reach...

And yet, I also have no fear.

I have been training with the Jedi for many months now. Training with Jacen Solo, a friend who has begun to become more than this. Yet... my arrogance has come between us on several occasions.

I have returned to Hapes once due to a training accident which was my own fault. I lost a limb – the lower half of my left arm – to a lightsaber training accident.

Jacen was my partner.

My arrogance could have cost me his respect and his friendship.

But it has not.

I do not understand why. My injury and his part in the role, should have pushed him from me for good. My arrogance should have indicated I was not a suitable candidate for Jedi training.

And yet... Jacen has become a closer friend because of that accident and I was asked to return to the academy to continue my training.

My flaws were used as a lesson; arrogance and speed solve nothing.

Jacen is peculiar, I feel strange around him. Complete. Almost as if he is supposed to be so opposite to my strengths to compliments them.

I am strong, but he is not weak. He supports that strength when I do not believe I can win.

I am humorless, and he tries to make me laugh. I find him funny, but I cannot smile.

To smile is to admit weakness, to admit defeat. I cannot do this.

He has seen me cry, seen me at my weakest, and held me up. He has supported me and not let me fall.

How curious.

And... he has seen me smile; he has made me smile.

I am shamed.

I have failed in the teachings of my mother's mother. I have failed to keep him emotionally distant, away from my inner thoughts and feelings.

I have allowed him power over me. I have allowed him control.

And yet... is that such a bad thing? I have shared myself with him, who I truly am, and he has not run. Instead, he has come closer.

And today... Today I received a gift from him that cannot compare to all of Galinore's gems; a Gort eggshell necklace.

More precious than a precious gem, its value is incalculable.

Not because of its monetary worth, but because it came from him.

Jacen Solo; the boy, young man I have grown to love.

For him, I will smile.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

For him, I will smile... and I will never smile again.

Mother is dead. Anakin is dead. Jacen is dead.

My mother. My friend. My love.

I did not understand mother until this day.

_To love is to live._

I have loved my parents and my friends. I have become a part of them and they a part of me. I have become a part of something greater, a part of a whole that could not be stopped. A part of something special.

Today, all of that died.

My friend Anakin Solo has been torn from me by fate. Dying to allow us the chance to escape; a noble death.

My Mother has been stolen through deceit and deception. Withered through poison; an ignoble death.

My love... Jacen... my love...

I did not known pain until this day. I have felt my soul shredded, fragmented with his loss. I have wept as I have not wept since the loss of my arm. The pain is unbearable, but bear it I must. My mother's mother taught me to bear pain, physical and emotional, to sweep it aside and concentrate on the issues at hand.

I find I cannot.

Did my mother know this was to come? That to love, only to have it shattered through loss, would be my fate? If she had, would she have told me?

I do not think so.

I am unable to smile. My muscles do not lift; will not lift, after years of training.

They did once. For him, for my love. For his presence, his compassion. They lifted for amusement at his antics and his caring of my welfare. They lifted with joy and my soul lifted with them, confident in the knowledge that he knew the gift of which he was given.

They will lift no more.

Not in amusement, as they no longer have a reason to laugh.

Not in joy, as they no longer have a reason to grin.

Not in love, for my love is as dead as the coldness in my chest.

I am the Queen Mother of Hapes, the ruler of 63 worlds and peoples. I live only for them, for their prosperity. I do not live for myself. Inside, I am dead.

I, Tenel Ka Chume Ta Djo, do not smile.

I will not smile; I cannot smile.

My best and only reason for doing so is dead.

The young man I knew is dead. I have been confirmed as the Queen Mother of Hapes and my duties have become my life.

I am a Jedi, a protector of the Peace. I am the ruler and protector of sixty three systems.

I am nothing.

I am no longer a daughter to a loving mother. My mother is dead.

I am no longer a Jedi, for Jedi know only peace. Peace is a myth; I know only inner turmoil.

I am only a ruler, for rulers decide without passion. Passion has left me, my desires and wants. I yearn for nothing beyond death.

Death, to take the pain.

Death, to take the sorrow.

Death, to remove my burden.

Yet, even as I yearn for death, he returns.

His shape, his form are the same. The features are the same.

But the young man I knew is dead.

I will never smile again for in his place...

In his place is a cool, familiar stranger.


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Note: Chapter 5 is in reference to what I have written thus far in my "From Scratch" series as we don't yet know the fate of these two officially in the Post NJO universe.

Chapter 5

In his place, is a cool, familiar stranger.

Jacen Solo has returned to the galaxy a changed, different man from the boy I knew. The steadfast companion and joker has been replaced with a determined, solemn man who does not think battle will solve anything. His passion has been tempered with wisdom; he believes anything can be solved by negotiation.

Someone has stolen my Jacen.

The change is... different. Unexpected and unwelcome.

Yet, underneath, he has not changed at all. The jokes are not so ready, the humor more distant. But his smile remains. He has been put through hell; his letters informed me of his trials. He has been tried, tested, and come out the better. In his words; I reserve judgment.

I find the change unsettling.

Where there was once indecision, there is now acceptance.

Acceptance of his role in his own fate and the fate of those around him.

Acceptance of his feelings, his wants and desires.

Acceptance of what he has become as opposed to what he was.

In the place of the boy I knew is a man.

A man who knew, and knows, what he wants.

A man who fought to claim what he felt was rightfully his.

A man who claimed me in every way possible.

He helped me see that the boy I knew is dead, but in his place is a man with the qualities I admired and craved in the boy. His compassion for all living things: his knowledge of the Force and those around him. His peace; for now I see that he is truly at peace with what he has become.

His strength; complimenting the weakness that is no longer a weakness. He has learned to accept himself with his flaws, to take those flaws and use them to create something better.

He has taken those flaws and allowed my personal strengths to compliment them. He has taken my flaws and worked to compliment them by becoming my protector, regaining my trust and my affection. He has helped me see that what I wanted in the boy was a companion who knows me as well as I know myself.

A companion to share with.

A companion to laugh with.

A companion who can make me smile.

The boy I knew is dead, but the man in his place is more a match for me than the boy had been.

This is the man who I was helpless to fall in love with again. This is the man who has made me a wife.

Wife.

A title I did not think was possible in a Hapan Society.

I am Jacen Solo's wife.

I have been many things.

I have been a Jedi apprentice. I have been a Jedi Knight. I have been a fighter and a warrior. I have been a Princess. I am the Queen Mother. I am wife; Jacen's wife. And because of this, I am going to be a mother.

The mother of Jacen's child.

That, above all things, has taught me how to smile.

Fin.

Author's Note: Thanks for reading!

JadeMax


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